waaaahhhheeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
so thats 13 hours gone

sooo.... that leaves me with hmmmm 336-13 = 323 hours
wow. exhilirating. i am so going to kick ass.
this is so going to work. dude thats like half a freakin day gone - kappppooooooooooot!
and now ive got 29 and a half days left. for most of which ill be sleeping for anyways....
wooot wooot!!!!

bring it on. i am so going to be 84lbs by the end of this...
what im expecting....
first week- 18th may 2008- 25th may 2008= 106lbs? - 8 lbs? =98 lbs -
so at least 7 stones by next sunday thats like a pound and a bit a day.... in fact hoping more than that but see how it goes...
if i loose 2 pounds a day then.... ill be 92lbs by next sunday. FUCK. REALLY?!!!!! OMY FUCKING DAIZ THAT WILL SO WORK FOR ME.
if this happens... if i dooo lose 2 lbs a day for the first week i will be soooo amazingly elated ,....  complete and utter jubilance i think!!! =]

2nd week- 25th may - 1st june - expect SLOWER results. much SLOWER results. my metabolism will slow down BIG STYLE . so ive got to be patient. ill proabably hit a plateau or whatever.... but ive got to got to got to got to keep it going!! =]

say a pound a day or 1/2 a pound ill either be ....
98- 7= 91 lbs ... not bad
or  ill be 92 - 7= 85 lbs. FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRK that will be a pound away from my fuckin ultimate goal weight and this is just two weeks but its gotto be a hell of a two miraculous weeks... =/

or ill be 98- 3.5 lbs= 94.5 - that suxx but ah well ... =]
or 92 - 3.5lbs= 88.5 lbs .... okay so thats better i suppose...

SECOND WEEK - 94.5    or    88.5    or     91    or 85

third week... will be hell . i will feel hunger beyond hunger and will have end of year examinations....
1st june- 8th june   im going to say either no progress ..... fear of a plateau or OR OR OR.....  say 2/3 pounds all week?!!!

so ill be in my 80 s hopefully hoooopeefullly.

lord ive got to stay strong and hopeful. fuck take those doghnuts AWAY FROM ME NOW.
=/

fasting today. day 1.
im sat here watching the clock tick, heating the birds sing, watching the nearly risen sun...times passing....

6 1/2 hours gone 330remaining..... come on!!!!wehhhheeeeyyyy. =]
ive learnt itss easier this way... counting hours.... keeps you going... stops yoou getting boorred,wanting to binge, and makes you happy.

counting hours should make it more endurable .... im goin to cross of each day and tally 24 hours before that. that should do the trick perrfeccctly!

its a beautiful day out today.tthe sun is making me smile =]

have a lovley day my lovelies. much love. stay safe. xxxxx

i promise i will fast.
i promise i will not binge
i promise i will lose 14 pounds in the next 14 days.
i promise i will fast for 14 days consecutively.
i promise i will never binge in my life ever again.
i promise i will stay away from food.
i promise i will fast until im 14 pounds less
i promise i will be 14 pounds less shortly.
i promise to hate all the shitty food that i love now.
i promise to not resort to binging to resolve my hunger,
i promise to be here for you all.
i promise to give you all support and help as much as i possibly can
i promise to be truthful to you all.
i promise to not eat.
i promise to complete my 14 days without giving in,
i promise i will never binge.
i promise i will never binge .
i promise i will never binge,
i promise i will never binge.
i promise i will never binge,
i promise to keep my promises.
i promise to do this properly.
i promise to get to my ultimate targets in 4 weeks.
i promise never to eat to make someody else happy.
i promise to help you all.
i promise to give you motivation.
i promise to inspire you.
i promise i will be 'that skinny bitch'
i promise never to break another promise in my life,
i promise.

so heres what im going to do.
my first goal weight - 2 weeks to loose 5 lbs possible. im aiming at more like 7 or whatever but cant get my hopes up...too much..
date-
17may saturday - 7th june saturday- 
17th sat- fast
18th sun- fast
19th mon- fast
20th tues- fast
21st wed- fast
22nd thurs - fast
23rd fri- fast
24th  sat- an apple
25th sun- fast
26th mon- fast
27th tues- fast
28th wed- fast
29th thurs fast
30th fri- fast
31st sun- an apple
1st monday- fast!!!!!
 ON THE 1ST I  SHOULD BE 94 LBS.

SO this week was absolutey shitty. totally a hundred percent shitty. i made vows. and i broke vows. so thats shitty.

i binged terribly this week. very bad. i binged ; sunday, wednesday, and friday( today).
and i water fasted the rest which is shit. i was supposed to fast the whole week, and i failed.
i havent even lost any weight, this was a terrible terrible week. ive just indulged terribly... but my assumption is that i eat when im at home alone.... no school on wednesday or friday and binged both days..... weekends are better than no school days because everybody is around...
next week i have a full week of school so it will be positively easier....

im looking forward to the weekend being over.... im scared of weekends or staying at home mostly of my parents and then of myself.

and after binging today on like 5 bowls of cereal, peanuts, chocolate, ice cream, rice, and grapes.... i wanted more.... i went to collect my brother and took money with me to go to the sweet shop and get myself some chocolate and buy some white kingsmill to make toast for myself.....  but i left it ... i actually resisted and instead i walked about 4 miles there and back, hahaha. but i burnt no where near what i ate. so thats rubbish.

i never ever want to walk but i guess it cleared me and made me feel more hopeful.... i was on the verge of breaking out in tears becausei did so badly this week..... but my long walk listening to my ipod and enjoying the fresh air.... taught me to get over it.... it was truly cleansing.... believe me guys if you ever binge you need to go for a loooooonnnng walk....... but the surroundings need to be right.......

i messed up badly this week ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate..... but guess what that was my eating done.... i guess i was too sick and tired of stopping my self. i said this before and it feels cliched but that was truly IT. im calling it my official BINGE WEEk. so here goes. im going to have a funeral for the whole of this week

R.I.P BINGE WEEK. established Sunday 11th May and died on Friday 16th May.

lol am i crazy or what... ahh well.
so fasting during the weekend this should be easy if my parents stay away. otherwise this is going to be hell.
then fasting from monday through till friday. god this should be easy. no breaks . no non-school days. one exam in betweeen on tuesday which should be the easiest frreakin exam evvvveeerrr. so dont need to eeat for that. i am so back on track.... wish me luck

okay so after getting over my huge binge today,,,,im fasting yeah!
and its working... so far
thursday 15th may - one day less of 14 yes!

im so blatantly on a platea .... and it so FUCKIN piss takin. arghh gahhhh
99lbs is not moving ..... come on scales why are you doing this to me
plateaus make you want to binge... you get bored after not seeing results....
darn im hungry and have a headache.... on theplus side no school tomorrow...
but then that means im more likely to binge, but i am not. i am most certainly not. ill have my stick of gum ready and my laptop open onto here...
lol...

after tomorrow its the weekend and im scared ...
1) mostly scared of this one- my parents MAKING me eat
2) will binge
two wont happen, im not going to let it.
1  on the other hand.... a very likely chance like 100%

so heres what im goingto do
bring my food up to "eat"- i hate wasting and throwing away food... so foil the food in separate foil pieces and hide until no ones around where i ll sneak the stuff back into bowl dishes or whatever.... say ive got a lot of revising to do.....

blah i need the weekend to be over... i have two weeks left to fast...well 13 days now... and ill have 4 days of weekend between them and plus a few days of mid term break.... gah ,.... parents,...... pants.



i m so freaking tired. of seeing the fat on me. seeing the little fat hanging onto my stomach. my thighs. tired of that 99lbs teasing me. well FUCK you 99lbs get outta here.... i am so going to beat the shit out of that 99lbs its like sneering at me.... youre going down SUCKKKKEEERRRRRR!

hahaha im going mad.

blah. i cant sleep and its twelve fifteen here in the uk, this is going to be a long entry. because i am sick and tired of myself. i am such a fat piece of fuck maan. why have i got to eat ? why? i messed up big time and still continued messing up. why? because im at a slightly 'comforting' weight right? WELL GET THIS FAT ASS. I AM A FUCKING FAT SHIT HEAD AND I SHOULD NOT EAT.

I DONT NEED TO EAT
I WILL NOT EAT
I CAN SURVIVE
I WILL BE 84 POUNDS IN 6 WEEKS TIME.
I WILL LOSE 14 POUNDS IN 6 WEEKS.

4/6 of those six weeks will be water fasts and the other two will be heavy restrictions under 100 cals a day.
icant binge anymore it drives me insane i hate binging so much. it hurts and it makes me put on weight.

2 whole solid weeks without food, i will not die. not looking once at the scale in that time- hopefully will be pleasnatly surprised by the end of the two weeks!

so 15th may fast
16th may fast
17th may fast
18,19,20,21,22,23,24,26,27.28 -fasting
weigh self on 28
one week restrict.
2 weeks fast
one week restrict
 2 week fast etc
i will continue until i reach my goal weight. i have got to do this. otherwise its taking toooo long. if i can get used to an empty numb tongue ill do fine.

think about all that stomach fat. thigh fat, face fat, arm fat.... all will disappear.

i can do it. i am not a failure, i shall not fail. last ever binge recorded 14th may wdenesday208. ()dnnt amake me change that

2nd day went well. ate nothing whatsoever,even with the temptations haha
 3rd day no school
so ended up pigging of course ate about 1000 calories
will fast for the rest of the week and next i promise,
still 99lbs not moving at all
arghhh.

plan:
week - wednesday-messed up
thursday- sunday water fast
monday - friday water fast-  hope to be about 95/94/93/9/91.
by then .THEN holidayzzzz argghh. restrict heavily 100 cals or less everyday of the holiday stay away from mum and dad
and avoid dinner at all cost.
then school- fast water fast of course
again water fast
water fast break on a weekend - eat only neg calorie vegs and fruits once broken]
by june/ july should reach target weight!

come one!!!!!! feeling determined mroe than eveeeeerrrr.

Day 1 of 14.
still going...
hahahaha of course i am  i freakin binged yesterday.
calories taken in so far - 0 in food but chewing gum 7.5 cals ahaha!

excercised like mad ahahah! burnt only 210 calories but nearly died on the way... no really.

so a negative of about 200 haha
i feel soooo good. hahaha im just kinda hysterical . but the scale they wont budge.... =[

oh well. lets see if i can dodge dinner tonight. i had better be able to or this will have been for nothing...

xxxx

GAH!!!
This is terrible.
After like  weeks of eating literally nothin- and by dodging my parents- ive binged.
THATS FLIPPIN RIGHT BINGED!!! i wanna kill my self!! arghhh.i tried purging it hurts. my throat is raw. and it doesnt work.
im 99 lbs- 14 lbs short of my target. and already im freakin binging. oh my. i am going to die. i ate like a fat pig. its unbelievable.
what to do? arghhh. on top of that its not like i had to eat or anything... i chose to. i waspretending very well to my parents that i had been eating.. when i hadnt .... then i blew it... totallly.


Later on my parents got an indian takeaway. when i thought it couldnt get any worse. i thought i would put it right. i didnt want to eat. i said i was full and stuff. because i was over binging. i had eaten like 1000 calories when for two weeks running all i had was a gum and water and sometimes the odd grape or so. but again as i  say my parents werent buying it.

ive lost a lot of weight recently ... like 20 pounds in like 4 weeks ... and obviously the physical changes are pretty drastic...
my parents and so forth have indeed realised this.... my face is more gaunt... well gaunt. and my eyes sunken etc. my clothes hang off me big time and stuff... but they dont seeim still immensely fat!

its soo unfair.    so then after stuffing some food into my front pockets and binning that and eating quite  a bit too...in the kitchen my mum let off steam... she was angry like anything.
oh girls like you are fat why do you have to starve...?
oh im sick and tired of seeing you walk around the house as if you are dieing ...EAT for heavens sake... oh you know from tomorow i have my eyes set on you young woman... you think i hadnt noticed ....

this that and the other.
an all i want to do now is die cuzim such a fat ass who has no freakin slf control what so ever.

GAH ! KILLME ! TAKE ME AWAY!!!